Visited my Dad yesterday; made him a peach cobbler. He’s having a hard time emotionally….still misses Mom(who passed 12/3/2014); despite their separation and divorce, they stayed close and Dad loved her. Tim-his youngest child- passing has really gotten to him. As my brother Scott says, “children should bury their parents, not the other way around.” He’s right.
Mom, Scott, Tim(Mother’s Day 2014; Mom 73, Scott 52, Tim 48)
Dad(Father’s Day 2015 Dad, 74)
I’m struggling to cope with Tim’s death. I thought it would get easier as time passed, but so far, no. I know my anger at my SIL is part of that; at least, I suspect it is.
SIL(wife of my terminally ill brother) had a “sit-down” with me a few weeks before his death. This was very painful for me, as I felt unfairly attacked. While it hurt, I was not surprised. I did my best to be there for my brother and not show my emotions. I did leave for 12 days because of an incident about Tim’s comfort; I felt my being there was non-productive. I resent those 12 days away from my brother. I resent being put in awkward positions; being a verbal punching bag; being expected to ‘forgive’ and excuse this behavior. In my opinion, I’m not the one with ‘social skills problems’.
I went back on a low dose of antidepressants at the end of April; it helps a little. I’m not so mad that my head hurts all the time now, and I haven’t yet got in the car, driven straight to HER house, called her out, and slapped the meanness out of her. I still kind of want to, you know, even though a part of me does have some sympathy for her. Dad says, I should “forgive her and let it go because she is ‘almost lost'”; well, she’s not the only one. I doubt she thinks much about how I feel about anything: how she treated/treats me, how I am, etc. Plus, they(that part of the family who cannot get why this square peg just won’t fit into the round hole like I should) always have the tendency to stab me in the back, then want me to apologize for bleeding….& clean it up without complaint. All I can say to that is:
And…..
See, they think it’s ME who has the “social skills problem”; they are all living RIGHT. Yeah. Whatever.
I’ll tell you something. I’m afraid to let go of this anger; I avoid talking about it, but even this is better than the grief. Scary as the anger is…what lies behind it is much worse: a huge, deep darkness of grief, pity, pain for Tim yawns open like an abyss. It’s a place without words, and I’m afraid to fall into it, because how will I survive it? I’m afraid I can’t, or won’t, that I’m not strong enough. I haven’t even said this to my therapist.
I try to believe that I’ll be alright but my heart is so troubled and in doubt. I just don’t know so many things: how to start letting go…how will it happen…can I withstand the fury of pain and grief…what will be left when this pain and anger are released?
One thing is sure—this storm is coming. Some innocuous word, song, event, sight, or action will trigger me, and I will fall into the abyss. I’m waiting.
celtgirl60 